Posts
Tired of recent spate of cover stories in newsmagazines and TV debates whether the she was heating up, Nature decided to clear the air over the latest scare to hit the world. She spoke to us in this Interview That Never Happened.
Mother Nature, welcome to Delhi and Welcome to The Interview That Never Happened.
Stop calling me Mother! You make me sound like Mother Teresa. She was a good woman. I am both good and wicked. I may be thousands of years old by earth standards, but in our universe I am pretty young. Just call me Nature, or Miss Nature, if you please.
We hear you are warming up. And we are worried, very worried.
You think I am Rakhi Sawant or what? You know up here when we hear about global warming and the things you are doing to cool it down, we have a laugh. A big one! You guys are such a racket. You know we haven’t had such a hilarious time since 1970s, when you guys were talking of global cooling. You guys are a scam.
So you were cooling off then, huh?
Arre nahin… I am what I am and I do what I do. It’s you guys who sometimes claim the arctic ice is melting and, at other times, the earth is freezing. We remember the big scare of the Seventies: Another Ice Age is coming… We, upstairs in our celestial Cabinets, were like hey? That’s news to us! Some of you still believe that. Just a couple of years ago, you had a big hit called Day After Tomorrow, where you showed Snow-covered Connaught Place… you jokers like even your nightmares in 70mm…
Now we have an Al Gore movie called An Inconvenient Truth…
Yes. He used to be the next President of the United States. He’s gone nuts and you all are going nuts with him. Look, Al Gore also thought he would be the next President. What happened to that? He thinks he can save the world… he can’t save his campaign for God’s sake.
Are you warming up or not because climate experts down here say you are…?
Oh shut up. Who are these climate experts? You can’t predict whether it’ll rain tomorrow and you talking about experts. You Delhi chaps have no idea about me, except some western disturbances, that you flog all the time. Let me tell you the real inconvenient truth. I am a living being and I warm up and cool down, just like you do. And there’s not much you can do about my warming up or cooling down. So stop pretending you are some big shit. Because you are not! And by the way, it’s not some scientist, it’s your supercomputers that arrive at a number and you guys go ohmygosh over it. Truth is I am nature and computer is all artificial. You get me, right?
So you frequently warm up and cool down?
Not so frequently. But I did warm up pretty nice between 800 to 1200 AD, compared to that this is nothing. Before that when I reached climatic optimum between 5000-3000 BC, you guys came into being. If I hadn’t warmed up, it would have been just ice all over. If you have seen the movie Ice Age, you know what I am saying. I warmed up so that you guys can live and prosper. Now my warming up has become a threat to you, huh?
So we can still drive our cars and not worry about greenhouse emissions?
Exactly! Your emissions are minuscule if you look at it from the universal headquarters where I stay. Earth is like a little planet and to spot you guys from there we use telescope the size of earth, honestly. By the way do your climatologists tell you that you are alive because of the greenhouse gases, something you so readily vilify today. You know the water vapour in the atmosphere is the king of greenhouse effect. And without it, you will have no rain.
What about Mumbai, will it go under the sea?
When it does, can you stop it? Just joking. No, it won’t. Even if I warm up really badly, the sea levels won’t rise so much that it’ll drown Mumbai. Of course, Al Gore and newsmagazines, NGOs funded by Leftist Greens and research funded by atomic and wind power companies will tell you that the sea level will rise some 20 ft by 2050. If my memory serves me right you guys have been talking about it for 50 years, nothing has changed.
No, things have changed, ma’am. Our atmosphere is so polluted now…
That’s your problem. I am not saying go out and pollute. But if you reduce pollution, do it for yourself. Don’t start talking about saving the earth, you little bacteria. Don’t mind me calling you bacteria, but like you have crores of bacteria on your palm, there are crores of you on my body here and there. So don’t pretend saving me when you are trying to save your own sorry ass. Stop being hysterical and moronic.
So when are we having a cyclone next?
That’s what I am all about, boy. I am Nature. I am mysterious. And a lady must have some mysteries, secrets in her looks, cyclones whirling in her heart. That’s what makes life interesting. But let me assure you that you guys are safe. I have protected you for thousands of years and I am not going to wipe you out in the next 50. I am pretty fond of the little things you created. We like you because you are creative. But I will always have some secrets. Some surprises, and some times slaps, but I am not gonna kill my cuties, not in the next thousand years.
So when is the next slap coming?
When the next earthquake hits you… you live in a sensitive seismic zone. On second thoughts I do wanna slap some one literally. One Tight Slap to that fattie, Al Gore, for scaring the world.
So you are warming or not, I come back to the question.
Yes I am. And it’s my personal thing. Chill, I will cool down again.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Friday, April 06, 2007
Thakur will stay his caste course
NEW DELHI: Union Human Resources Development Minister Arjun Singh, like his idols US President George Bush, minister colleague Pyaar Dasmunshi and partybee Lindsay Lohan, is determined to stay the course. And he doesn’t need a poodle to back him in his war on error-ism. He will not rest until the errors of the past are corrected. A lot of people had enjoyed the fruits of wealth and health at the cost of those people who belonged to the lower castes in the Indian caste system. Mr Singh has always believed it was time those caste errors were corrected. Correcting religious errors will still be the responsibility of the BJP and its allies and various Muslim leagues.
He has repeatedly said that his ministry would find ways to circumvent the Supreme Court stay on reservations in IITs, IIMs other institutions of higher learning. While the country has moved forward quite a lot since 1931, he has decided to not budge from his position. In 1931, most of India was backward and he was royalty.
The Thakur was just a year old when the last caste census was done, which determined 52 per cent of Indians were backward castes but not as backward as dalits. They were called the other backward castes. The Supreme Court wants a new census. But Mr Singh believes it is 1931.
"He needs to be remembered for his contribution to the Indian society. Everything else is temporary. You can build an institution in this country, but in some years, the institution goes down the drain. On the other hand, reservation is permanent. It never fades away," said political analyst Ganganath Ganguly, pointing out that reservation for Scheduled Castes and Tribes was also meant to be reviewed every 10 years. "This way he seeks to eternalise his legacy, just like the caste system. Centuries of progress but the system stays."
Many in the Youth for Equality campaign, who opposed his war on error-ism when it began a couple of years ago have grown increasingly impatient with its progress, fearing that our country is stuck between a rock and a soft place.
"What’s there to choose between reservation and superior caste status," asked one survey correspondent. "We ought to admit that going without these jobs is actually making the world less competitive. We should be cutting our competition, not our caste lines."
But does his popularity among the Youth for Equality bother him? According to the latest CDAC/D-FORE/CDSS poll, Youth for Equality’s support for Singh’s war on error-ism is at an all-time high, five per cent.
"Thakur Arjun Singh is his own person," said his cook, Anmolbabu Chandrahaas. "Arjun Singh ji is not going to abandon his principles just because they might be popular at the moment."
Chandrahaas may not be so far from the truth. Arjun Singh is his own person, since he declared independence. It was on the day he joined the Cabinet of his junior political colleague, Manmohan Singh. His mind and then the body followed him by declaring their independence. According to experts, his body doesn’t follow him, so he works out of home. His mind likes the out-of-body experience. When asked about the war on error-ism, his mind says: To err is human, to forgive divine but it takes Arjun Singh or Bajrang Dal to attempt correcting errors made by humans, thousands or hundreds of years ago as the case may be.
— Postcards from the Pug Pus, with due apologies to Postcards from the Pug Bus
He has repeatedly said that his ministry would find ways to circumvent the Supreme Court stay on reservations in IITs, IIMs other institutions of higher learning. While the country has moved forward quite a lot since 1931, he has decided to not budge from his position. In 1931, most of India was backward and he was royalty.
The Thakur was just a year old when the last caste census was done, which determined 52 per cent of Indians were backward castes but not as backward as dalits. They were called the other backward castes. The Supreme Court wants a new census. But Mr Singh believes it is 1931.
"He needs to be remembered for his contribution to the Indian society. Everything else is temporary. You can build an institution in this country, but in some years, the institution goes down the drain. On the other hand, reservation is permanent. It never fades away," said political analyst Ganganath Ganguly, pointing out that reservation for Scheduled Castes and Tribes was also meant to be reviewed every 10 years. "This way he seeks to eternalise his legacy, just like the caste system. Centuries of progress but the system stays."
Many in the Youth for Equality campaign, who opposed his war on error-ism when it began a couple of years ago have grown increasingly impatient with its progress, fearing that our country is stuck between a rock and a soft place.
"What’s there to choose between reservation and superior caste status," asked one survey correspondent. "We ought to admit that going without these jobs is actually making the world less competitive. We should be cutting our competition, not our caste lines."
But does his popularity among the Youth for Equality bother him? According to the latest CDAC/D-FORE/CDSS poll, Youth for Equality’s support for Singh’s war on error-ism is at an all-time high, five per cent.
"Thakur Arjun Singh is his own person," said his cook, Anmolbabu Chandrahaas. "Arjun Singh ji is not going to abandon his principles just because they might be popular at the moment."
Chandrahaas may not be so far from the truth. Arjun Singh is his own person, since he declared independence. It was on the day he joined the Cabinet of his junior political colleague, Manmohan Singh. His mind and then the body followed him by declaring their independence. According to experts, his body doesn’t follow him, so he works out of home. His mind likes the out-of-body experience. When asked about the war on error-ism, his mind says: To err is human, to forgive divine but it takes Arjun Singh or Bajrang Dal to attempt correcting errors made by humans, thousands or hundreds of years ago as the case may be.
— Postcards from the Pug Pus, with due apologies to Postcards from the Pug Bus
Sachin’s bat announces retirement
Port-of-Spain: Sachin Tendulkar’s bat has announced its retirement from active cricket, following similar announcement by bats of M.S. Dhoni, Rahul Dravid and Virender Sehwag. Cricket world was aflutter with speculation that Sourav’s bat might do the same, for a second time. Since most cricketers tell reporters that "my bat will do the talking", their bats finally did some talking on Tuesday, hours before the Indian team left the Caribbean.
Sachin’s bat said it was ashamed to have let down a billion people and blasted the master blaster for not putting him to good use. "A bat is just a piece of willow, if you ain’t got balls. And I am sorry to say, he had none in the last game that we handed over to Sri Lanka. I mean the first sign of a ball hits my inside edge. How pathetic is that!" he told a crowded press conference, outside Queen’s Park Oval in Port-of-Spain, Trinidad.
The bat has decided to stay back in Trinidad. "I will be here enjoying the sun and the sands. I got no restaurants to run and no commercials to make. I am sure the stickers that I am pasted with will come off after this shameful defeat."
Dhoni’s bat said its career was ending prematurely, but denied any role in the premature capitulation by Dhoni. "It was his and only his fault. It doesn’t matter how big a rope you got unless you know how to dangle it. This guy can’t delay gratification. It’s such a teenage thing, you know. You are all macho, with long hair and stuff. And how long do you last in the crease? One minute? Enough is enough."
Dravid’s bat denied any rift with the player and said the separation was mutual. "He can continue pretending it’s all okay, but I am retiring. I mean he’s good, make that the best, when it comes to staying on. And I am like hello, don’t just lie still there. You gotta score some... and then once you challenge his ego, he’ll start those crazy shots. And you know he’s gonna out himself any moment. You saw it with Sri Lanka. He was fine and in fact I loved him for all those slow moves, but then he decides to pretend he’s Dhoni, which he is not. And look what happens to him? Whatever happened to Dhoni, that is," Dravid’s bat said.
Sachin’s bat said it was ashamed to have let down a billion people and blasted the master blaster for not putting him to good use. "A bat is just a piece of willow, if you ain’t got balls. And I am sorry to say, he had none in the last game that we handed over to Sri Lanka. I mean the first sign of a ball hits my inside edge. How pathetic is that!" he told a crowded press conference, outside Queen’s Park Oval in Port-of-Spain, Trinidad.
The bat has decided to stay back in Trinidad. "I will be here enjoying the sun and the sands. I got no restaurants to run and no commercials to make. I am sure the stickers that I am pasted with will come off after this shameful defeat."
Dhoni’s bat said its career was ending prematurely, but denied any role in the premature capitulation by Dhoni. "It was his and only his fault. It doesn’t matter how big a rope you got unless you know how to dangle it. This guy can’t delay gratification. It’s such a teenage thing, you know. You are all macho, with long hair and stuff. And how long do you last in the crease? One minute? Enough is enough."
Dravid’s bat denied any rift with the player and said the separation was mutual. "He can continue pretending it’s all okay, but I am retiring. I mean he’s good, make that the best, when it comes to staying on. And I am like hello, don’t just lie still there. You gotta score some... and then once you challenge his ego, he’ll start those crazy shots. And you know he’s gonna out himself any moment. You saw it with Sri Lanka. He was fine and in fact I loved him for all those slow moves, but then he decides to pretend he’s Dhoni, which he is not. And look what happens to him? Whatever happened to Dhoni, that is," Dravid’s bat said.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)