Thursday, May 10, 2007

Stop this warming nonsense: Mother Nature

Tired of recent spate of cover stories in newsmagazines and TV debates whether the she was heating up, Nature decided to clear the air over the latest scare to hit the world. She spoke to us in this Interview That Never Happened.

Mother Nature, welcome to Delhi and Welcome to The Interview That Never Happened.
Stop calling me Mother! You make me sound like Mother Teresa. She was a good woman. I am both good and wicked. I may be thousands of years old by earth standards, but in our universe I am pretty young. Just call me Nature, or Miss Nature, if you please.

We hear you are warming up. And we are worried, very worried.
You think I am Rakhi Sawant or what? You know up here when we hear about global warming and the things you are doing to cool it down, we have a laugh. A big one! You guys are such a racket. You know we haven’t had such a hilarious time since 1970s, when you guys were talking of global cooling. You guys are a scam.

So you were cooling off then, huh?
Arre nahin… I am what I am and I do what I do. It’s you guys who sometimes claim the arctic ice is melting and, at other times, the earth is freezing. We remember the big scare of the Seventies: Another Ice Age is coming… We, upstairs in our celestial Cabinets, were like hey? That’s news to us! Some of you still believe that. Just a couple of years ago, you had a big hit called Day After Tomorrow, where you showed Snow-covered Connaught Place… you jokers like even your nightmares in 70mm…

Now we have an Al Gore movie called An Inconvenient Truth
Yes. He used to be the next President of the United States. He’s gone nuts and you all are going nuts with him. Look, Al Gore also thought he would be the next President. What happened to that? He thinks he can save the world… he can’t save his campaign for God’s sake.

Are you warming up or not because climate experts down here say you are…?
Oh shut up. Who are these climate experts? You can’t predict whether it’ll rain tomorrow and you talking about experts. You Delhi chaps have no idea about me, except some western disturbances, that you flog all the time. Let me tell you the real inconvenient truth. I am a living being and I warm up and cool down, just like you do. And there’s not much you can do about my warming up or cooling down. So stop pretending you are some big shit. Because you are not! And by the way, it’s not some scientist, it’s your supercomputers that arrive at a number and you guys go ohmygosh over it. Truth is I am nature and computer is all artificial. You get me, right?

So you frequently warm up and cool down?
Not so frequently. But I did warm up pretty nice between 800 to 1200 AD, compared to that this is nothing. Before that when I reached climatic optimum between 5000-3000 BC, you guys came into being. If I hadn’t warmed up, it would have been just ice all over. If you have seen the movie Ice Age, you know what I am saying. I warmed up so that you guys can live and prosper. Now my warming up has become a threat to you, huh?

So we can still drive our cars and not worry about greenhouse emissions?
Exactly! Your emissions are minuscule if you look at it from the universal headquarters where I stay. Earth is like a little planet and to spot you guys from there we use telescope the size of earth, honestly. By the way do your climatologists tell you that you are alive because of the greenhouse gases, something you so readily vilify today. You know the water vapour in the atmosphere is the king of greenhouse effect. And without it, you will have no rain.

What about Mumbai, will it go under the sea?
When it does, can you stop it? Just joking. No, it won’t. Even if I warm up really badly, the sea levels won’t rise so much that it’ll drown Mumbai. Of course, Al Gore and newsmagazines, NGOs funded by Leftist Greens and research funded by atomic and wind power companies will tell you that the sea level will rise some 20 ft by 2050. If my memory serves me right you guys have been talking about it for 50 years, nothing has changed.

No, things have changed, ma’am. Our atmosphere is so polluted now…
That’s your problem. I am not saying go out and pollute. But if you reduce pollution, do it for yourself. Don’t start talking about saving the earth, you little bacteria. Don’t mind me calling you bacteria, but like you have crores of bacteria on your palm, there are crores of you on my body here and there. So don’t pretend saving me when you are trying to save your own sorry ass. Stop being hysterical and moronic.

So when are we having a cyclone next?
That’s what I am all about, boy. I am Nature. I am mysterious. And a lady must have some mysteries, secrets in her looks, cyclones whirling in her heart. That’s what makes life interesting. But let me assure you that you guys are safe. I have protected you for thousands of years and I am not going to wipe you out in the next 50. I am pretty fond of the little things you created. We like you because you are creative. But I will always have some secrets. Some surprises, and some times slaps, but I am not gonna kill my cuties, not in the next thousand years.

So when is the next slap coming?
When the next earthquake hits you… you live in a sensitive seismic zone. On second thoughts I do wanna slap some one literally. One Tight Slap to that fattie, Al Gore, for scaring the world.

So you are warming or not, I come back to the question.
Yes I am. And it’s my personal thing. Chill, I will cool down again.