Thursday, October 09, 2003

Three women and a bachelor

"A bachelor's life is a fine breakfast, a flat lunch, and miserable dinner."
—Sir Francis Bacon

Atal Bihari Vajpayee is a bachelor, and like all bachelors women are his main problem. Three in fact — Mayawati, Jayalalithaa and Mamata Banerjee. These women are not married either and that makes Vajpayee's problem queer.

Jaya loves him, loves him not. She has a fine breakfast with the bachelor, and soon after the flat lunch she heads for a high tea with Mrs Gandhi and makes the bachelor's dinner miserable. At night, she puts his kicking and screaming friends in jail. By morning, she is back at the breakfast table. By early noon she is itching to arrest another Vajpayee friend. The lunch is flatter than the flattest. And just the thought of dinner miserable.

Mamata would love to sup with him. But she would also love to sip with Sonia. But the breakfast is with the bachelor. Problem is she likes her bread buttered on both sides. Vajpayee agrees but his friends say that's appeasement. Vajpayee tells them one time appeasement is OK even in the BJP. But they say "then butter ours too". There's isn't enough butter. Mamata hastens the breakfast. And quickly heads for Sonia's house. Butter late than never. She has deja butter there. She remembers she has had Sonia's butter. Once bitter, twice shy. So she is shy all evening. Vajpayee's dinner is miserable. So is hers. She comes back early morning for breakfast. Vajpayee offers her all the butter saying "use as you please". Others rise and say "One side. That's the rule." She returns the butter. She has the bread without butter. And everybody's counting the days: "How long can one have just bread? How long can she live without butter?"

This is the latest love story gone no-love-lost story. Vajpayee's party loves Ram. Only Ram Maya loves is Kanshi. But more often than not, Vajpayee and Maya finds themseleves together at the breakfast table. He gulps some cheeselings dipped in self-respect sauce while she munches on Manu-lings. Everybody in the world, including some guy called Lalji Tandon, dreams of a nice day together and breezy evening and cozy night. But soon after breakfast, she abuses Vajpayee's cook and badmouths his friends at the table. A fight ensues and Vajpayee has to intervene. She keeps silent for a while. Lunch is not just flat but unusually silent. In the evening, she calls a press conference and abuses his family. Vajpayee says she saddens him. And the dinner, my friend, let's not talk about it.

So why doesn't he quit mixing with these women when he knows they are dangerously fickle? Ask any bachelor. Or ask Helen Rowland who wrote this unforgettable line: A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty and a boy forever.

Friday, October 03, 2003


Halle Berry has separated with her husband gospel singer Eric Benet. That they were together is a big question mark as Benet has admitted to sleeping with some 10 other women while they were togeher. No one knows about the women he's not admitting about.

Anyway, this is about who Halle is Berry much in love these days. Limp Bizkit rocker Fred Durst.

Being a rockstar is a good thing since you get to roll with really beautiful and bountiful stars. Pamela Anderson's ex and present are rock kids. But is Durst Berry's latest cherry?

Those who read between the lines say yes. The lines were mouthed by Durst in an interview with MTV. Durst said: "Someone has come into my life that I really feel like, for once in my life, that I really, really bond with like I've never bonded with anybody."

Miss Berry, who won her best actress Oscar for Monster's Ball in 2001, starred opposite Pierce Brosnan last year in the James Bond film Die Another Day. Bond, bonded you get the hint, right? Since rockstars set many a trend in the world, I believe this way to hint is the one a lot of people would take or should have taken.

1. Salman Khan: People wrote me off as an alcoholic out to kill himself. But I am phoenix. I have risen from ASHES. I am not gonna go easily. I am like that KAT and its nine lives. RINg's A bell?
2. Vivek Oberoi: He KHAN'T, but I can. My funda in life is khao thanda, piyo thanda and AISH karo.
3. Sanjay Gupta: I have split with my wife, because I am REDDY for more. But the press has launched a campaign against me.
4. Sameera Reddy: It's too early to reveal his name. I am in love and I want to keep his name secret for some time. GUPTA, you know.
5. Bipasha Basu: Don't bring up old stories. DINOs are Jurassic. I have moved and don't want any MORE of history. Stories that I am stuck in the JOHN is also not true. Please spare me, AB RAHAM karo.
6. John Abraham: Please spare me. BASU karo yaar.
7. Ashton Kutcher: For the first time I feel it's great to be with older women. They are DEMI-goddes, if not goddess and
It's only human to want MOOOOORE.
8. Amitabh Bachchan (20 years ago): I love my wife. I am not going to WRECK HER marriage.
9. Laloo Prasad Yadav (10 children ago): I am in love with sweets, the one made of pure cow's milk. It has that RUBBERY feeling.