I and My Women

Mr Treehorn treats objects like women, man.
—The Dude, The Big Lebowsky


Men love women. Men love speakers. Women have PMS. Speakers have RMS. Popular size for the first is 40-24-38. The recommended size for the second is a minimum 500 watts route mean square (RMS). Measuring them in PMPO is considered blasphemy among people suffering from Human Gadgetophilia Syndrome, popularly known as Gadgetitis. I am a chronic case and it gets acute at least once a month, immediately after the salary reflects in the bank account.

Friends blame my lad status on that disease. But then they also can't see the huge difference between my last receiver and the latest upgrade. I do not ask them to visit the ENT and get their ears checked, because their wax isn't top on my priority list.

The next DVD player is. The remote controller with my latest Denon receiver came with buttons for a DVD player that works only with a DVD player of the same make. Now to fully utilise the remote, a Denon 1930 has been ordered. But that leads the existing DVD players (one for upscaling DVD and one that could handle DVD-A) to go down the same road as the last receiver. But my DVD players know they will be treated with respect. They will go back to the box they came in, wrapped with care, love and respect. They know they will not be handed over to a greedy kabadi (junk dealer). That's why my objects like me. And the feeling is mutual.

The moment I enter my house, I switch on the mains to give them enough warm-up time while I mix my drinks. My objects of affection enjoy my undivided attention, and I shiver at the thought of somebody actually landing between us, speaking in monoaural: "talk to me." Here's the most feared piece of conversation:

W: Talk to me, no?
M: What?
W: Anything.
M: Well, ask me something!
W: Anything. These days, you don't speak only.

During this conversation, M is fingering the Setup button cluster on his Universal Remote… wondering if he could change W's voice a little; bring down the highs by about 10 dB and mids by about 4. Tweak the bass a little. W thinks they have fidelity issues. M thinks he has hi-fidelity issues. Because the existing CD player can't match the soundstage Meridian 808 CD player, he has been fantasising about since the last AV expo.
(First published in Maxim, January 2007)