Sachin’s bat announces retirement

Port-of-Spain: Sachin Tendulkar’s bat has announced its retirement from active cricket, following similar announcement by bats of M.S. Dhoni, Rahul Dravid and Virender Sehwag. Cricket world was aflutter with speculation that Sourav’s bat might do the same, for a second time. Since most cricketers tell reporters that "my bat will do the talking", their bats finally did some talking on Tuesday, hours before the Indian team left the Caribbean.

Sachin’s bat said it was ashamed to have let down a billion people and blasted the master blaster for not putting him to good use. "A bat is just a piece of willow, if you ain’t got balls. And I am sorry to say, he had none in the last game that we handed over to Sri Lanka. I mean the first sign of a ball hits my inside edge. How pathetic is that!" he told a crowded press conference, outside Queen’s Park Oval in Port-of-Spain, Trinidad.

The bat has decided to stay back in Trinidad. "I will be here enjoying the sun and the sands. I got no restaurants to run and no commercials to make. I am sure the stickers that I am pasted with will come off after this shameful defeat."

Dhoni’s bat said its career was ending prematurely, but denied any role in the premature capitulation by Dhoni. "It was his and only his fault. It doesn’t matter how big a rope you got unless you know how to dangle it. This guy can’t delay gratification. It’s such a teenage thing, you know. You are all macho, with long hair and stuff. And how long do you last in the crease? One minute? Enough is enough."

Dravid’s bat denied any rift with the player and said the separation was mutual. "He can continue pretending it’s all okay, but I am retiring. I mean he’s good, make that the best, when it comes to staying on. And I am like hello, don’t just lie still there. You gotta score some... and then once you challenge his ego, he’ll start those crazy shots. And you know he’s gonna out himself any moment. You saw it with Sri Lanka. He was fine and in fact I loved him for all those slow moves, but then he decides to pretend he’s Dhoni, which he is not. And look what happens to him? Whatever happened to Dhoni, that is," Dravid’s bat said.