God reads your SMS

Man often wondered while sitting on pot with a newspaper in one hand and resolve in the other: Does god carry a cellular phone? That thought was often diminished but never quite demolished. How does God communicate in the age of mobile phones? That big conundrums of recent times has been solved.

We have evidence that God has a mobile phone and uses it, thanks to Indian news channels. As a two-year-old girl fell in a borewell near Agra, a careless nation was praying for her safe rescue while glued to news TV. The little Vandana was crying for food, her mother and life. The nation and its TV channels had found another Prince.

It was a battle against time. Army was digging a parallel ditch just like they did in the case of Prince. Hope was fading. Then TV channels decided to invoke God and reach Him or Her. They asked Indians to send text or call on numbers flashing on the bottom of the TV screen. Pray for Vandana, call now! To save Vandana, send an SMS to this number or that. Thousands of Indians decided to save her by sending text messages and calling up. Vandana was saved. Do we need any other evidence? No, sir, we don’t. It’s finally, scientifically proved that the Lord Almighty carries a cellular phone. It doesn’t matter whether it is a Nokia or a Blackberry.

That brings us to the really important question: How does God treat the telemarketing calls? Does God blast them for spoiling his mood or threaten to sue their pants off?

“Yes Nadia, I need a loan because I just ordered three elephants for my own amusement.”
“No Nadia, I do not need a new mobile phone number, all I need is a handgun.”
“Yes Nadia. I would love to have you over for lunch. But I do not use a satellite radio.”
“Yes Nadia. Good Morning. Why didn’t you call yesterday? I would bank with you.”

There is still no evidence that God said these words. But we do have evidence of a Delhi man who didn’t repay the bank loan. He flirted with the telemarketing girl who called him every religiously morning of every work day demanding to know whether he had deposited the cheque, the cheque’s number, date and such totally unimportant things. He would talk about important things like how beautiful the morning was and what she was wearing. “I missed you this weekend. You have my number you can call me any time any day. Let us meet this Saturday.”

That Saturday changed everything. She continued calling every morning but did not talk about ridiculous things like loan, cheque, dates and number. Then she called in the afternoon too and evening and the good night calls went into am. They could have married but then she did not want to leave her husband.

There is no evidence god would do something like that. The more likely scenario is this:

Telecaller: “May I talk to Mr Satyanarayan?”
God: “Satyanarayan speaking.”
Telecaller: “Can you confirm your surname sir.”
God: “I have hundreds of names, but no surname Nadia.”
Telecaller: “Thank you for confirming your surname sir. Please tell me your date of birth.”
God: “I was never born. I am eternal.”
Telecaller: “Thank you. But we need your actual date of birth to process your name for a life-time free credit card offer.”
God: “I was never born. I am eternal.”
Telecaller: “Sorry sir. Where do you live sir?”
God: “I live in your heart.”
Telecaller: “Another Romeo!”
Disconnected.