Thank God for Him

Can't help it. I don't find time to update this blog. But sometimes there's a need. And unfortunately, in times of need, one Mr Patil becomes a target of this blog. So, now the nth time, a salute to the irrepressible man.

Union Home Minister Shivraj Patil has once again defeated the evil designs of terrorists. Soon after Delhi was rocked by five bomb explosions on Saturday, the handsome home minister made it clear to the terrorists that their dastardly designs were in for a shock, because he could do the impossible: ask people not to panic. Moments after that stupendously superlative thought struck him, he was there on TV screens. “It is a cowardly act by those who don't want us to live in peace. We have just overcome the difficulties and these cowardly people have hit us again. But I would appeal to people to stay together and not create panic,” Patil told the nation.

It worked. The nation rose in unison and saluted the saviour for revealing to them the real plot behind the bombs in dustbins. And to everyone’s pleasant surprise, he unearthed the evil designs in less than four hours. Of course, he looked into the mirror a few times to talk to himself. It helps.

This time he went a step ahead and spoke about punishing those who caused the blasts. “The people behind this act will be given stringent punishment according to the law,” he said. Now this is what we call a masterpiece. Punishments are according to the law, another new revelation to the nation. Apart from Afzal Guru, who’s being punished according to politics, every other person is punished by the book.

But one must not forget his successive successes in dealing with what he calls a “dastardly designs”. Since he has taken over people have understood the importance of what a home minister can do. The home minister can appeal for calm. He can foil the dastardly designs. By now everyone knows that who he calls “cowards” have already planned their next target, the modus operandi would obviously be the same.

No one can stop a terrorist attack, even Pakistan (which is supposed to control all this) has failed in doing so. What matters is that your leader delves deeply into the issue.

Yes, sir, it takes a lot of meditation. It’s after much deliberation that he finds the answer to the evil. It’s impossible to chase these bomb-planters. It’s equally impossible to police every nook and cranny of Connaught Place. We are not Israel for Moses’ sake. We are a huge country. Why waste energy in catching these designers before they unleash their terror when you can defeat their designs even after the blasts?

Mr Patil is also the first man to actually dissect the whole thing and understand its other hidden meaning: terrorists want to create panic. “Hey you wanna create panic. I ain’t panicking. You wanna scare me? I ain’t scared. You wanna spread fear, I ain’t afraid. How’s my hair?” He is brave in the face of such catastrophic cacophony crowding his mind, which for your information is far more powerful than an otter’s. Of course, the home minister has the unfair advantage of having intelligence agencies. However, it can be scientifically proved that even if these intelligence agencies start working for Mr Otter, the home minister would beat them when it comes to confidence in the face of terror, his colleague Sriprakash Jaiswal backs him up like before.

For example, an otter can repeat the same words for the nth time while asking the citizens to not panic. Otters have a very limited vocabulary consisting of just three words: hum bhartsana karte hain (We condemn). While our man has a better sentence: Hum nirbhartsana karte hain (which means the same but is kind of superlative). So even cunninglingusitically, we are in safe hands. Don’t panic. Don’t be afraid, people of Indore, Chennai or wherever the next blasts would take place.