Thursday, January 15, 2009

Hey Ben. We got political condoms too! Here's our Top 10

These are hard times for everyone. As clouds of gloom hang over the global economy, entrepreneurs are looking for that one silver lining to make some hay. New York-based entrepreneur Benjamin Sherman knows that politics turns on people when everything else fails. Sherman’s Practice Safe Policy Company started selling political condoms when election fever began in America and continues to make money by having fun with politics. As America hopes the Big O would deliver them from the bruises inflicted by W, the contraceptive company is selling condoms named after politicians as O goes in and W pulls out. The latest Obama condom is taglined the Ultimate Stimulus Package For Hard Times. The Palin Condom claims it is Hockey Mom Approved especially ‘When Abortion is not an Option’.

A street vender sells McCain, Obama and Palin condoms in New York's Times Square, October 31, 2008. Courtesy:Reuters.

Since the global slowdown has hit the market sentiments here too, let us hope the funny contraceptives hit the shores soon. But while Obama condom may be a hot property anywhere in the world (unless he screws up like Bush), Palin may not leave anyone excited. Well, she did manage to bring some heat into the campaign for Old Man McCain from the Grand Old Party but then they couldn’t hold it for long. While one can argue that a dysfunctional Bush had made the pitch too slippery for them, one can’t deny the fact that Palin wasn’t great shakes in the end. McCain didn’t know better either.

McDonalds was smarter. The burger badshahs knew you gotta be Indian if you want an Indian to buy. As McD brought in Aloo-Tikki burgers, why should Benjamin have sharm in bringing in Laloo-Ticky political condoms? The government of India promotes not just the use of condoms but also the use of the word CONDOM. A hit commercial on TV encourages Indians to say it out and say it loud: Condom…condom…condom…condom. The parties infuriated by this piece should take it in the right spirit. In the least, this will encourage the use of the much-condemned word. So while we sing the jingle, may I suggest nine brands that can bring our deadmeat politics to life with one byte on news TV. Ben Sharman, invest in India. We got brands for you:

UP Yeah!: When you want it to last full term. Morally and legally, totally elastic to keep the alliance going. More colourful than the Endiyeah brand. In mixed flavours.

Satyumm: Got software? We keep it up even when there is nothing to show. Just lie and enjoy: The secret of the rise and rise and rise of Ramalinga. PriceWaterhouse-approved. Sweet-and-Sour flavoured.

La’ Loobricated: Turn it around. It got the rickety Railways up and running when it was down in the dumps. Very rubbery and very popular. Not dotted but well-tainted. Railway Tea Flavoured.

Shekhawati: Desire Never Dies. Have Will, Just Want Power. All is well that ends in a well, even if you have bathed in the Ganga. Saffron-flavoured. No expiry date.

Amar Vichitra Condom: (Lispy Man) Have election at the light time, avoid mid-telm fall… (Wispy man) Woh mulaayam ehsaas. Rigged, in rich flavours. Dealership enquiries solicited. Cash transactions only.

Aye Rajaa: When you want to delay the pleasure, Trai the southern comfort of the DoT-ted darling. It tickles the 3G-Spot without letting go of the spectrum. Works best with lubrication*Apply Conditions. *Greasing of the palm!

Modiline: The choice of business leaders. Say no to soft state, adopt the hardline. Say tata to gloom, enter the powerhouse of boom. Recession? We welcome even the Nano. Come to Gujarat.

Buddhaland: Red from outside, pink from inside, smokey in between! Best Bong for your buck before the extra-constitutional pleasure first drives you mad, and then away to some other state. Truly contraceptive!

Gowdaah: Keep switching position. Different sizes available. Buy one, get one free. (The Last and the least because numerology mandates number 9 is good)

T-2: Say na say na how you did it to me! Baby do na... do na.... The second-generation technology. Not suitable for non-Manoos. Flavour: Strong saffron.

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