I and My Women

Mr Treehorn treats objects like women, man.
—The Dude, The Big Lebowsky


Men love women. Men love speakers. Women have PMS. Speakers have RMS. Popular size for the first is 40-24-38. The recommended size for the second is a minimum 500 watts route mean square (RMS). Measuring them in PMPO is considered blasphemy among people suffering from Human Gadgetophilia Syndrome, popularly known as Gadgetitis. I am a chronic case and it gets acute at least once a month, immediately after the salary reflects in the bank account.

Friends blame my lad status on that disease. But then they also can't see the huge difference between my last receiver and the latest upgrade. I do not ask them to visit the ENT and get their ears checked, because their wax isn't top on my priority list.

The next DVD player is. The remote controller with my latest Denon receiver came with buttons for a DVD player that works only with a DVD player of the same make. Now to fully utilise the remote, a Denon 1930 has been ordered. But that leads the existing DVD players (one for upscaling DVD and one that could handle DVD-A) to go down the same road as the last receiver. But my DVD players know they will be treated with respect. They will go back to the box they came in, wrapped with care, love and respect. They know they will not be handed over to a greedy kabadi (junk dealer). That's why my objects like me. And the feeling is mutual.

The moment I enter my house, I switch on the mains to give them enough warm-up time while I mix my drinks. My objects of affection enjoy my undivided attention, and I shiver at the thought of somebody actually landing between us, speaking in monoaural: "talk to me." Here's the most feared piece of conversation:

W: Talk to me, no?
M: What?
W: Anything.
M: Well, ask me something!
W: Anything. These days, you don't speak only.

During this conversation, M is fingering the Setup button cluster on his Universal Remote… wondering if he could change W's voice a little; bring down the highs by about 10 dB and mids by about 4. Tweak the bass a little. W thinks they have fidelity issues. M thinks he has hi-fidelity issues. Because the existing CD player can't match the soundstage Meridian 808 CD player, he has been fantasising about since the last AV expo.
(First published in Maxim, January 2007)

Financial lessons from Soniaji's affidavit

A car and a house. That's two of the greatest Indian middle class obsessions. A recent report suggested the Indian middle class had accumulated huge debts by buying these two priority items on loan. In its cities, metros and megapolises, these are the fastest disappearing items.

Real estate dealers are making a killing and middle class dreams travel on four wheels of a sedan. A car and a house or, for the careful ones, a house then a car. You haven't arrived yet if you don't own the two. You are either lower middle class or you are Sonia Gandhi.

According to the affidavit Mrs Gandhi filed in Raebareli yesterday, she doesn't own either of the two. She doesn't own a car, though practically her car has a dozen cars leading the way and a dozen others following. She doesn't own a house, but hers is the best address in town. Sprawling is too small a word for 10, Janpath. She does own a house in Italy. Now all you going wink wink and thinking home is where the heart is, hold your horses.

Her Italian villa is worth just about Rs 13 lakh. With that, you can't buy a jhuggi in Lutyen's Bungalow zone. A one-room flat in Sector Sigma in Greater Noida, or Bhiwandi in Rajasthan would cost you twice that. According to her 2004 election affidavit, that Italy house cost Rs 12.75 lakh then. Just Rs 25,000 appreciation in two years. In Mayur Vihar, a flat worth Rs 15 lakh in 2004 is worth Rs 30 lakh in 2006. Italy is not the place to invest in real estate.

The same goes for Sultanpur or Dera Mandi. Sonia has agricultural land worth Rs 219,000 in these two places and in the last two years, the appreciation amounts to zilch. Had this been in Ghaziabad or the farmhouses in South Delhi, the price would have surely tripled.

But the woman behind the Kendra Sarkar has jewellery that was worth Rs 14 lakh in 2004 and has blown to Rs 21 lakh in 2006. Did gold appreciate so much in that time or did she buy more of the metal in the last two years? The affidavit doesn't detail that. But it does say this: gold for a rainy day remains the favourite investment instrument for Indian women. Since she is not seen wearing all that in public, it's safe to presume it's an investment instrument.

She also had given Rs 5 lakh to Priyanka Gandhi as loan before 2004 and Priyanka, it seems, has not returned the money, because her 2006 affidavit shows that those five lakhs are still with her.

There are lessons to be learnt from the leader. Here are the top five lessons for Congressmen who want to follow the leader in letter and spirit.

Lesson no. 1: Never loan money to your children. They are not likely to return it.

Lesson no. 2: Gurgaon, Ghaziabad or for that matter Hyderabad are best places to invest in real estate. Sultanpur or Turin is not.

Lesson no. 3: It's better not to buy a car. Car depreciates. Become a political leader instead. Car free.

Lesson no. 4: It's better not to buy a house, even though the price of a house appreciates. But a house for free is better than your own.

Lesson no. 4: Buy jewellery. Yellow metal shows your mettle. And gold is gold.

Moral of the story. Meaning of the Story.

Once upon a time, there was a great queen. She ruled the country with the aide of her able ministers. But the ministers sometimes came under the influence of power. And people started whispering things. She never heard any until she heard a voice. It was her inner voice that said: People will get ideas that you love power. You must renounce it. Immediately. She left everything and went to the Himalayas. Her able ministers ran the country, but the throne was empty. The able ministers took their orders from the throne, like the great Bharat, who took orders from Lord Ram, even when Ram was in communicado, in some jungle, for 14 long years. Bharata didn't touch the throne. The queen couldn't wait for 14 years, because one can't trust these ministers for more than 14 seconds. So a week after renunciation, she goes back to her people and says: See, I have proven I don't need power. I can throw it whenever I want. And I want it back. So give it to me. Moral of the story: There are no morals in these ancient stories.
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Morals are a myth of modern India. Today when Mrs Sonia Gandhi addressed a massive rally in Raebareli to tell her side of the story, people didn't want any morals out of it. Just the meaning would have been enough, and no, don't get ideas about herr accent. It's because people believe political speeches are profound. Every word out of their mouth means more than what they say. So THE SAY MEAN guide is back. And mean is no attempt at pun. What she means is in italics (no pun intended).

THE SAY MEAN GUIDE
"I am the enemy number one of the critics of the Congress. They blame me for everything. Every stone is thrown at me. Every arrow is shot at me and every bullet is fired at me."
There's nobody in the Congress big enough to face any attack. I am the only one. I am alone. Who will they fire bullets at? I am Congress, Congress is me.

"I am a victim of the kind of treatment they have to Rajiv Gandhi, Indira Gandhi and Jawaharlal Nehru."

They made Rajivji, Indira G and Nehruji prime ministers. They want to make me prime minister. Save me from them.

"Whenever the opportunity arises, they say all concocted things. If there is a storm, hailstorm or lightning falls, they say it was all because of Sonia Gandhi. I am their enemy number one."

Remember the Volcker storm, the Quattrocchi hailstrom and then the OOP ordinance lightning? They think it's all because of me. Look at me. Do I look Iike someone who would do such bad things? Say, no?

"I am not going to be a loser. I won't step back. Our fight will continue. This caravan will keep moving."

I will win, you support me blindly, don't you. The caravan will move, I am in the backseat, where the steering wheel is.

"I had spoken with both Rahul and Priyanka before I quit as an MP."

I don't trust any body else. The Family is all one should trust. That goes for you too. Not your family, The Family I said.

"Now I have come to you to seek justice, which I am sure I will get. I know you will give a fitting response to my opponents."

There was no way out. I was cornered. But you benefit in the fight between my inner and outer voices. I give you a chance to vote again. You will feel all powerful. My destiny will be in your hands. Ain't that heady? If I had resigned from only the National Advisory Council, you would have got no such thing until the next election. I bring democracy to your doorsteps. I give you power.