How to be bigger, better and richer in 5 minutes

I wondered what is that in Information Technology that makes S.M. Krishna, Chandrababu Naidu and everyone else I know go gaga about. I have found that wonder: email. The inbox to be precise. In my inbox, I get personalised advices on how I can change my life.

In the larger interest of the society I would like to share some of them with you.

Dr Conrad Hobbes of California has decided to prescribe me no pill, no capsule, no lotion, no crème, no pump, no exercise and no prescription. Just a patch called Miracle Plaster that I have to stick on my body and my spud will grow into a stud.

I have no idea how they came to know about the length but a “top team of British scientists and medical doctors worked for over 10 years to develop the state-of-the-art Magna-RX Patch delivery system” especially for me which will automatically add four full inches. With absolutely no side-effects.

For effects on the sides Dr Norma Thatcher, MD, suggests her Get Fuller diet. Her email said it was just the right tool I needed.

Dr Velma Johnson, Juanita Talley (no idea whether she is a doctor), Jeremy Dickerson and Machelle Forrest have all emailed me saying how their drugs are better than Viagra and how that’ll make my wife love me more.

Well, I do not have a wife, but I am worried about whether I need it since three doctors and a suspected doctor have suggested I need Cialis.

I am so thankful to Marjorie Yvonne, again from the United States of America, who has promised to solve my Cable TV problems. She has just invented the perfect way to fool the Cable operator — a small pipe-looking thing I need to attach to my TV and hey no cable bills ever, CAS or DTH. Mr Ravi Shankar Prasad, I am ready to unleash the power of my digital cable!

There’s more. I would also get my US University Diploma, which will ensure me “a prosperous future, increased earning power, more money and the respect of all.” Good thing is that there are no required tests, classes, books, or interviews!

I can get a Bachelors, Masters, MBA, and Doctorate (Ph.D.) diploma and receive the benefits and admiration that comes with it! Impossible, did you say?

I am sure I’ll get it because “No one is turned down!” This is where we Indians lag behind. We waste so many years mugging textbooks. In the US of A they just call: 1-646-304-8134 (24 hours).

I am soon going to eliminate my “credit card debt without bankruptcy!”
I don’t know how Armand Engle got to know about I being tired of making minimum payments and barely getting by but he has promised in his email that he can terminate my credit card debt without losing my home or any other assets! God bless you, Armand.

And dear friends, family and bank managers, I will soon have enough money to be called a rich man. In fact by the time you finish reading this, I might be richer by $7,520. That’s more than Rs 3,60,000. Wow! But how?

I will quote Jerry’s just-arrived email: “Dear KAMLESH, I will SHOW you in person how it’s done. With TV cameras rolling, my friend HUMILIATED the ‘Experts’ and left 26 sceptical students SPEECHLESS when, LIVE right before their doubting eyes, he slaughtered the Put-Up-Or-Shut-Up Challenge and made $7,520.00 in less than 90 minutes flat.”

I will work for six hours a day and I can make about Rs 4.32 crore a month, which is okay money for a single man.

After being rich, I just need to turn a little younger and my friend Kelly Haynes from Canada has offered to help me. She has sent me at least 10 mails since yesterday promising to make me younger in just 10 days as seen on NBC, CBS, CNN, and even Op Rah (her spelling).

Haynes’ health discovery actually reverses aging while burning fat, without dieting or exercise. This proven discovery has even been reported on by the New England Journal of Medicine. And it’s guaranteed, she says.

And one always thought email was about writing letters to friends. It’s about changing lives. For the better.

I can forget stress and order Prozac from John Big, and the scent that will be friends’ envy courtesy Melissa and lose more weight while I sleep (Thanks George).
If you want to change your life, my friend, just open your inbox, which by the way is exceeding the limit.