Bush pre-empts results

President George W. Bush has declared himself the next President of the United States and has called upon American citizens to vote for him in the November 4 elections to strengthen American democracy.

“Uncertainty is no good. America has to elect a President. The President takes the decision on behalf of the nation, so I have decided who the next President would be: me,” Mr Bush told Americans in a public broadcast last night.

He said the decision was a pre-emptive strike to save America from terrorists and the French. “Kerry looks French. That preening, pompous man also smells like Jaques Chirac. You know how Chirac been against America in all the wars it has either launched or planned,” the President said in an announcement from his Texas ranch.

Explaining why he was taking up the responsibility for the second time, he said America was under attack and needed strong leadership. “The war on terror needs resolve and if I lose, the terrorists win. John Kerry as President would boost the morale of the Al-Qaeda and Saddam Hussein. Being the President of the United States, I decided to stay President for the next four years,” he said.

When told his experiment is very similar to that of Pervez Musharraf in Pakistan, he laughed at the joke. But soon denied subverting democracy. “America stands for democracy. America stands for freedom. Free and fair elections are vital to democracy. So we will have elections as normal. And Americans are free to choose me since I am their next president,” he said.