Sourav's bat retires from active cricket!

In what has been described as a shocker for the cricket-crazy millions of India, the country's cricket captain Sourav Ganguly's bat has announced its retirement from active cricket. Following the captain's companion, his colleague Virender Sehwag's bat also decided to call it a day.

Sourav and Sehwag have not yet made an official statement about this unilateral decision taken by their bats. Speaking at Bangalore's Chinnaswami Stadium, Sourav's bat corrected this correspondent with a curt "know-your-facts-mister" and reiterated the decision was irreversible.

"It is not unilateral. Both have repeatedly told reporters: 'I am not worried about critics. My bat will do the talking.' Since they have authorised us to talk, we feel it is perfectly fine to do some talking," Sourav's bat told reporters.

"Do Indians even care about us? I got stickers all over my body and who gets paid? Sehwag. I am always there for him but you never see me around when he is prancing around Mahima Chaudhry. Now he's got a wife too. I get no attention. If he can hurt my feelings, I can also give him my outside edge or inside edge for that matter," Sehwag's bat told reporters with tears flowing down its eyes.
In bat language giving inside/outside edge means not giving two hoots.

Later in a signed press release, the two complained the cricketers don't spend as much time with them as they used to when they were trying to be successful.

"Once these guys become successful, we just become a thing that they wave at TV cameras after that half-century. Outside international matches, we gather dust while they shoot for commercials. We almost get suffocated to death in those cramped bags," they said in the release.

Asked if they would reconsider their decision to cooperate with the players who actually want to score some runs against Australia, they said, "on one condition: due respect".

The two bats said: "We want partnership. We can't be treated like pieces of wood to hit those balls."

When Sourav learnt of this willow revolt, he was furious. Though he is officially unavailable, sources say he's thinking of turning into a classical dancer.

"My wife is a career dancer, maybe we can partner. That bloody bat can willow (this guy puns) in self-pity but I know who's ditched who. And let this be known it was the bat, which failed me," he is understood to have told a friend we cannot name.

Sehwag did not respond to our requests for a quote. Sehwag ki maa's CDMA does not seem to work.

*This story is pure fiction until the day pices of wood actually start talking. Till then, squeeze the message. Take it without the pinch of salt.