Foreplay? We spend hours

An alert reader Hikumi (that’s Himanshu Kumar Mishra) called up to correct the Ghost Column’s take on irritating Friendship Day SMS messages. Hikumi pointed out that the Foreplay Day and Orgasm Day were not celebrated worldwide. July 30 was celebrated as National Foreplay Day, a day before the National Orgasm Day, only in Britain.

Well Hikumi, you are right. But you see the point, right? A selective Westernisation by the West? I mean they give us Friendship Day, Teacher’s Day and Neighbour’s Day but keep Neighbour’s Wife’s Day for themselves. Same with Orgasm Day and the day before it.

Some say we are still far too conservative a society to have such explicit days. The implicit message here is that we are stupid. “One fourth of the population is illiterate and you talk about foreplay?” Downright insulting, right?

But don’t lose heart, here’s some good news: The Brits aren’t any better. We, at least, know foreplay is a popular game played before cricket, the only game worth playing. It involves repositioning the sofa, dusting the TV screen and debating Tendulkar’s batting average and Ganguly’s average batting. We are proud to say we spend days on it, and months on the afterplay if we win the match.

Brits don’t even know what foreplay is. A new research, the biggest till date on foreplay, has found that “80 per cent of British men didn’t even know what foreplay is, mistaking it for a sport, a computer game or an item of clothing.” The other 20 per cent, believe it or not, thought it had something to do with sex. How stupid! That’s about 20 per cent illiterate. Same as India.

But even if we believe the experts’ version that it does have something to do with sex, the Brits fail the test.
The research gives some startling facts with potential to be universal truths.

Accountants spent the most time on foreplay, nearly 40 minutes. Not difficult to understand that. Shop assistants as little as two. Not difficult to understand that either. If this is true, a PWD Engineer would take nearly 7-10 years and a doctor less than 10 minutes before saying: Come on Monday. Next?

Jordan, the big-busted model chosen to be the Face of the Foreplay Day, was shocked: “Even I was surprised.” She told ananova.com: “Sex without foreplay is like toast without butter.”

I am sure Jordan would fall in love with the MCD and DDA clerks. They’re into butter and stuff you know. Truth is, they would do without toast, if butter supply were consistent. We Dilliwalas know how much makkhan it takes to make our babus move. Jordan would raise a toast to that.