Kakisi's Ultimate Fashion Forecast

A friend of mine called from somewhere asking whether Lakme is the most fashionable city in India. I told him it is a cosmetics brand. He thought like Milan Fashion Week, London Fashion Week, Paris Fashion Week, New York Fashion Week, Lisbon Fashion Week and Rio Fashion Week, India's having it own at somewhere called Lakme.

Well I just made that up. But you get it, right? There's a problem. All other fashion weeks are branded on their host cities, ours on a brand. There's no city — here last year, Mumbai this year, there next year. There where? That's the question. Here is a list of six extra strong contenders, not in that order.

1. CHENNAI: Time fashion goes down, south I mean. And Chennai is so fashion conscious, people get arrested for keeping more sandals, jewellery and kanjeevarams than necessary. Ask Jayalalithaa and she would tell you how a man who wears dark glasses at night couldn't appreciate good taste and deserves to be arrested. But these are good times for fashion, she is in power. The forecast: The Cape will be in, the shape will be out. However round as a shape will not be so out. Sabyasachi will be the toast of the week again because Karunanidhi will not be allowed to showcase his designs. Amen... ahem.... Amma!

2. BANGALORE: This is IT. This is The Place. Krishna Mehta will be out, S.M. Krishna in. And no, SM doesn't mean we will see leather pantyhose and you know what. Instead, he'll showcase his Cauveri collection in watercolors inspired by water and the lack of it. "The've got no water, let them drink lager." Till The King(fisher)dom is ruled by King Mallya, no one shall go thirsty. Manoviraj Khosla will be the only designer at the week. Why? Because the King says so. Khosla will change his style and show off his ready-to-wear with beer slogans lifted from the Internet, because Bangalore means IT. They'll broadcast the show over the Internet, which will be watched by nearly 17 people around the world.

3. PATNA: Now we are talking about the real fashion capital of the world. Someone once said Bihar is the political barometer of India. What happens in Bihar today happens in India tomorrow. But come 2004, Patna will be the sartorial barometer of India. So around midnight on July 24, 2005, people in Delhi, Mumbai and Bangalore will have hair coming out of their ears. And hands disappearing in their kurta sleeves. Saada people in colourful clothes will change to colourful people in Saadhu clothes. Milk will be in, silk out. Rabri-style ulta pallu will be in, Sushma-style seedha out. You will be really sari if you Misa thing.

4. KOLKATA: The week shall inherit Kolkata. Well, if Rohit Bal can have it in his hometown, why not Sabyasachi. I mean he is young, talented and designs for his milkmaid. He is so interesting he alternates between a riot of colours and a white of colours. Next year, it's riot's turn. He's gonna paint the town red. Because in Bengal, you got no option. No bourgeoisie fashion fiesta this, it will be political, practical and prêt-a-porter. And the porters in Howrah Junction wear red, understand? Full Marx if you do. Y Tu Mamata Tambien (And your Mamata too).

6. LUCKNOW: You could have it in Agra, darn inside the Taj Mahal, but for the Supreme Court and that guy Jagmohan, the venue has to be Taj Residency, Lucknow. The only designer showcasing will be Muzaffar Ali with his chikan collection. Rest of 'em designers would chicken out because Mayawati suspects they are too close to Amar Singh. ("Designers party, Amar Singh parties, Samajwadi Party, arrest them under POTA.") The chief minister would inaugurate the fashion week, and by the time it ends, (it will be the shortest week in the history of fashion, about a couple of hours), she'll deny she ever attended the fashion week and sack the chief secretary.