Total Eclipse of The Mind: The World Is Not Gonna End This Time. It's Next Time, Stupid!

In a move widely heralded as unique, the Uttar Pradesh government has decided to ban the July 22 total eclipse of the Sun in the state. Chief Minister Kumari Mayawati announced this at a crowded press conference in state capital Haathi Nagar, 500 km from UP's national capital erstwhile Noida, now renamed Mayawati Nagar.
"It's a conspiracy hatched by Mulayam Singh Yadav and Rahul Gandhi. The BSP will continue its struggle against Manuvaadi forces," she told reporters.

Samajwadi Party general secretary Amar Singh, who has just received a fresh pair of kidneys in Singapore, spoke to reporters on videophone from the hospital clearly showing the urgency to criticise the government move. He said there is jungle raaj in Uttar Pradesh. BJP leader and environment activist Maneka Gandhi called for converting the state into a national park, so that the animals of this jungle could be protected. She also demanded special security for Varun Gandhi saying there is a threat to his life. "His comments against the minorities were feral and awful but his poems are worse. He deserves to be punished but he doesn't deserve to be thrown in a well. Well, no citizen or animal, deserves to be thrown in a well."

Congress President Sonia Gandhi called the move a ludicrous attempt to prevent a natural phenomenon in India's largest state. "The state government is intellectually bankrupt. If it has no idea about the scientific reasons behind the eclipse. An eclipse occurs when mating wolves demand extra time and God grants them a couple of additional minutes of darkness. It's no business of a state government to meddle in such issues. She said the Centre would look into the matter."

Environmental activists however refuted the claim saying God or Nature does not discriminate among animals. Gay wolves are no different from heterosexual wolves and gay wolves and trans-sexual wolves have never needed extra time. They said the eclipse is a result of global warming and relentless exploitation of democratic systems. "Michael Jackson has died. How many more deaths will it take for the authorities to wake up to the challenges of global warming," a press release from the Global Warming Council of India said.

The Sangh Pariwar decided to call a nationwide agitation against scientific experiments at Taregana and Indore. Shiv Sena (Self-Help Group), a fringe group of the Pariwar, threatened to stop researchers and scientists entering Taregana, a decrepit town near Patna, where the eclipse can be experienced for the longest period in India. "The Sun is worshipped by billions of Hindus across the universe. Science cannot trespass into our religious affairs. Telescopes are evil," Bal Brahmchari, the acting president of the Sena said, while burning effigies of telescopes.

"The world is not going to end," Baba Pongaprasad reassured the viewers of a Hindi news channel saying fake astrologers and greedy pandits are spreading this rumour that the world might end on July 22. "The world will end on July 10, 2010 when the next eclipse takes place. That will be a partial eclipse. There is a world of difference between a partial eclipse and a total eclipse." World of difference, he explained, meant the difference between this eclipse and the next will be the world. "That clearly shows there will be no world."

The Communist Party of India (Marxist) said no eclipse will take place in West Bengal and Kerala. "It's a capitalist conspiracy. The US wants to rob India of its daytime while they have daylight saving. The Manmohan Singh government has sold out to the US. It's no coincidence that the eclipse follows Hillary Clinton's visit to India. The people of India deserve an answer."

The film industry however was not so enthused. Amitabh Bachchan has refused to comment. He said he would write on his blog and those who are still interested in him can log on to the Big Blog. Shah Rukh Khan is away holidaying in his 20-million-pound flat in Park Lane, London. "It's just idle-talk. I am spending quality time with Gauri, who's partying her nights away in London. We get to spend a lot of time together because she and her girlfriends are regularly thrown out of the clubs. Besides, who cares about eclipses. The eclipse happened long time ago, when I bought that bungalow in Bandra. Let sleeping dogs die," he told a website. Amir Khan said Shah Rukh is no longer the king of the box office. Salman Khan denied knowing Solar Eclipse. "I haven't heard of him. Anyway, I don't want to comment on somebody else's personal life." He said he shared a good rapport with Katrina.

Internationally, the US government did not say anything officially but former George W. Bush congratulated Niel Armstrong for this giant leap for moonkind. "It took 40 years but he managed it. Exactly after 40 years, on the day he landed on the moon, the moon has managed to overshadow the Sun. An eclipse is when the moon's shadow creates darkness on the surface of the Sun. That's sort of cool." He however warned Al-Qaeda, North Korea and Iran of unimaginable retribution if they tried to mar the event.

In a tape released to the al-Jazeera channel, the terrorist organisation's second in Command Ayman al-Jawahiri said the suicide bombings have finally worked, now that moon has become bigger than the Sun. "We will continue killing ourselves until we establish Islamic Rule in Pakistan."